I have been so lazy with keeping up this blog, my journal, and letter/email writing to my dear friends on missions the past few weeks. I feel the need to explain why and hopefully get back on track. This post is sort of my means to vent but more trying to recognize through the bad there is always good in the end.
The last week in January was a life changer, that's for sure. Craig lost his job. I have kept this very private until now only because I do not want pity of any kind. I am also quite embarrassed when I find myself at a low point in life. I haven't been one to easily ask for help, and I know Craig is the same. Yes, I suppose we are very prideful that way. Luckily, the Lord has a way of humbly each of us.
After about a week of no luck of Craig finding anything and some contemplation, I decided to ask for my old job back at Macaroni Grill. I knew I left on very good terms with the manager and that I could easily receive some hours there. I was right. He hired me right back on the spot. I am now a server. I have never served before, so I was a little nervous at first. Serving is hardcore multitasking. Give me a few babies, and I would do just fine. Serving is tough stuff people. Guests who come in get upset very quickly over very small mistakes. (This definitely makes me tip better and empathize more with servers in general.) I am scheduled three nights a week. Every time I work I have this overwhelming feeling of guilt. I feel guilty I am not with my baby. I feel like something bad will happen, or he will cry and just want me, and it makes me so worried. I feel like I might miss an important event like a "first" or just something extraordinarily cute that he does. We need a source of income. I know I am doing a good thing, so why do I feel so bad doing it? Working also has worn me out. I really need to start exercising more regularly because I am so out of shape. I want to start running, but I am afraid my milk supply will decrease if I full blown run daily. (I don't know if this is 100% true, but I've heard it a few places online and in some books I've read.) It is such a blessing that I have been able to nurse so well this far, and with our income dramatically cut we cannot afford formula in the slightest. It is so expensive! I am weary of working because of the supply decrease thought, too. I can't pump in the middle of serving 3-4 tables, so I go 4-6 hours without pumping or feeding Noah. (Yes, engorgement hurts like crazy while running around like a chicken with its head chopped off back and forth to tables.)
Regardless of my discrepancies of going back to work, I really do like it. I like the feeling I get after singing Happy Birthday in Italian. I like the adult interaction. I like having to figure out a way to make sure I have a perfect table. (My OCD likes this part, too.) Blessings come from the hardest parts of our lives. Craig and I have learned this many times already in our relationship together. I am so grateful I have him to go through all this with. He is a champion. I can tell he wishes he could fix it in a snap. Good thing things like this only help to improve us for the next big thing. All we can do is trust that we will pull through.
Craig and I made a goal to read the Book of Mormon together this year. Most nights we tiredly read through the verses, but I am so pleased that just plain reading together has strengthened our family SO much. I am so thrilled to see the improvements in our day to day and our happiness growing. I truly think this simple act has helped us immensely.
I am so excited that my best friend is returning to Utah. I have talked about this a few times, but I've only really had one girl friend in my life. (Two now because of Oakcrest.) Jessi has been one of the only people that gets me completely. We don't care about our differences; we don't care about our pasts. We love each other through thick and thin. I have missed her dearly. I know that her coming back means that she temporarily loses her husband to deployment, but I know she is brave and strong. I am just tickled pink to have someone to "do nothing" with again. (Craig doesn't count. I love spending time with him, but he refuses to watch chick flicks or lame guilty pleasures like The Bachelor and/or The Vampire Diaries with me. Sometimes a girl just needs a gorgeous teenage vampire.) She gets here on Monday. Yippee!!
I am the luckiest mom in the world, by the way, or at least I feel like I am. I was given such a fantastic little soul. Noah is so content, so happy. I can't believe he is coming up on 4 months! I love waking up each morning to his extremely smily face. I didn't do a 3 month update post. Oops. After his 4 month checkup next week I will get an update posted. It is so amazing how an infant grows so much in just a month. I love him so much! And THAT, my friends, is the good in the end. No matter how gloom my life seems, it is so perfect because I have my Mr. Noah.
2 comments:
It's hard to go back into work, but it sounds like the right decision.
As I've always reminded myself in the hardest times: "Heavenly Father will never forget us", and he never has.
Give that cute Noah a snuggle for me and be strong, girl! Somehow things will turn out.
I haven't heard that about running, but my sister-in-laws ran and they were fine with nursing. ?? I'm sad Craig lost his job and you have to leave your baby. I can't imagine how hard that is, for both of you. I sang "Be Still My Soul" for my ward and for a baptism the past two weeks and it has given me a lot of strength and comfort. Perhaps it can give you the same spiritual boost it gave me.
You are awesome and the Lord definitely knows what's best for you. He always provides a way for you and Craig to have what you need.
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